On the occasion of the completion of my 57th trip around the sun….

August 21, 2022

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…yup. It’s my birthday. 57. It’s August 21st where I am.

If you are a new member here and think my posts are only about hiking the camino, sorry. My blog is the blog about nothing and whatever and anything. It’s basically me babbling. So if you don’t want to hear my random thoughts on birthdays, bu-bye.  I’m pretty sure I will be sharing about the camino again in a few days. But it’s my birthday, so I’ll write what I want to.

Cheers to 57!

I’m not too into the number thing. 57?  87?  27?  Doesn’t matter. It’s all a mindset. But I do think about my age relative to other things…like my

Mom’s age when she passed away.  She was 66.  And, I remember where she was and what she was doing when she was 57. I think about age like that.

I also remember that at 57, I have now had 9 birthdays…9 trips around the sun…without Connor. On the occasion of my 49th birthday, 8 months after Connor died, I was still numb. My brain was still in that protection mode that happens to a body after great trauma…protecting you from the reality that your body isn’t ready to absorb yet.  I found this that day. What a treasure. 

From Connor’s FB Memories 8/21/2013

Connor posted this on my birthday in 2013. The last birthday he was here with me. You never know something is the last until it is.

It took my breath away. Connor teased me about getting old. I miss that and wish he were here to tease me now.

It’s taken me a while to figure out how to celebrate anything, really, since he’s been gone.  I go through the motions because let’s be honest, a bereaved parent is allowed a finite amount of time in our society to grieve and then the world expects you to get on with it. So we learn to live in two worlds. And honestly, maybe that’s ok. If you know me and have spent time with me over the past 9 years you know that I believe there are two universal truths about grief. The first is that there are as many ways to grieve as there are people on the planet. You do you. Grief is not a process, contrary to what the books say.  It doesn’t end. At least grief as it relates to losing a child. This kind of grief is something that sits on top of you like a huge rock and crushes the air out of you.  And over time it sinks into your body and it becomes the fabric of who you are and you become strong enough to to carry it. And then you stand up.  I am standing up now.

And the second is that…life goes on and so must we. I’ve worked so hard at this.

“Some of us know how we came by our fortune and some of us do not, but we wear it all the same. There is only one question worth asking now: How do we aim to live with it?" ~ The Poisonwood Bible

How do we aim to live with it? This is an entire subject on its own. Stick around and I will babble more about this in the future. Pretty sure of it.

But for today, Life goes on and here I am. Wowza!

So, I thought I’d share what I am celebrating today:

~ health ~ I’m healthy enough to hike 1000 miles. At least I think I am. Let’s see what happens!  My ankle is healed. My tendons only hurt every now and then.  I can walk, sometimes limp.  Haha!   I did reach my highest weight ever about 18 months ago. I had to increase me blood pressure medication from 15mg daily to 20mg daily.  I’ve been on blood pressure medication since January 2007. When I reached that weight 18 months ago and increased my medications I decided that was bullshit (remember that this is not only the blog about nothing but also the blog with swearing). And I started working on it. As of today, the beginning of my 58th trip around the sun, I am no longer taking any medication. This is my first day without it.  I went back to my Mediterranean lifestyle (not diet), regular exercise and a healthier weight. With that I’ve been able to reduce my medications over the last 4 months. 

Yesterday my doc told me to stop completely and track for a week.  If I maintain my current readings I am done with them. (Yes I am on a camino but I carry a blood pressure cuff because I knew I’d likely be reducing and would need to track) So today I am celebrating health. Cheers to that!

~ gray hair ~ every single one of these is earned. I love my gray hair. Why is it that men can gray and it’s ok, but women?  I actually had a hair stylist tell me I was too young to let my hair go gray. What the hell is that about?  Scott had gray hair when he was my age and that was considered ok?  But a woman’s is not?   I mean if you don’t want to go gray, don’t do it. But If you want to, go for it. The only way to change our societal norms is to do better, do different, do you. Cheers to that!

~ old neck ~ ok y’all.  Every time I pass a mirror and I see my old neck I think, my gosh I wish my

Mom was here to see this!  I can’t believe it’s me. But not in an “oh my gosh I have to go get a neck lift” way. It’s a wow, I’m here now response.  And I love it!  If my Mom were here we’d be laughing about it together. I’m so grateful that I had a mom who taught me not to sweat the small stuff. So I’m celebrating old neck. Cheers to that!

~ perspective ~ with age comes perspective. You can’t tell a young person that.  They don’t get it. I sure didn’t. I thought I was so smart.  Guess what. I wasn’t.  So I don’t try to tell them. I just smile because I know that some day they will understand. I’m able to see how the pieces of life fit together now in a way I could not see before. I’ve had to go thru these life stages in order to see them. And I’m just 57. I have a dear dear Auntie who is turning 80 this year. She’s my role model. I know that when I’m 80 I will still be celebrating the perspective that we gain with age. The older we get, the greater the perspective. What a treasure that is. And what a treasure my Auntie is. Cheers to that!

~ not caring what other people think ~ man o man, this is freedom!  When you reach the age that you really don’t care what other people think.  I care about how I’ve made people feel, but I don’t care one single bit what someone  thinks about what I am wearing or the fact that I look lumpy in a swim suit. All of that is just the fluff that floats around in the air that gets in our eyes and makes it hard to see.  Let that go.  That’s real freedom. Cheers to that!

~ family ~  not just the family we are born into, but the family we choose.  I feel so lucky to have what I have. I get to see who Nick and Hannah and Christian have become. And I hope to be around for a long time to see where they’re going. I have gotten to watch them evolve from little kids into the wonderful adults that they are and once in a while I am privileged to be a part of their journey.   Being their step Monster has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Cheers to them and that!

I’d give my life to have Connor here now. I know he’s around me. But, because he left a trail of glitter, I do get to see all of his besties grow into their lives, their careers, their relationships, their children.  And my gosh, the older I get the sweeter it is when my life gets to intersect with theirs. I hope all of these kids know. I love them so.

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Yep. Happy birthday to me. Life goes on and so must we.

Tell me what you’re celebrating as you age. I’d love to hear it. Feel free to swear. Swearing makes everything better.

Walk with joy, Friends.

Buen Camino! Bon Chemin!

#letsshineitforward